I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
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People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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