Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
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You left your underwear on the fireplace
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
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Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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