Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
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