Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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