it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
