My Higher Power is John Stamos
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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