I'm sorry my penis didn't work
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
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