i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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