I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
