you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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