Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
