It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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