was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Omg I joined a choir last night...
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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