i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Randomize
