Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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