just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Randomize
