I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
