i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
