it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
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Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
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