wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
