You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
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The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
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I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
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