you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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