hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
