My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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