Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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