Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
