i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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