just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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