Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
