Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
