Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
