I can text with my tongue
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
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Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
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If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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