four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Mom said you looked used
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
