it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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