Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
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I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
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i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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