So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize
