the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
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