today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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