I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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