Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
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