things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
