Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
