The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
