how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
