Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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