Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
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