It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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