M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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