I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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