i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
