My liver just broke up with me...
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
