Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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