So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
