I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
