He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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