Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Randomize
