If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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