Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
