the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
