Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
