T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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